Bama Ombudsman: The Cleveland Cavaliers

Bamafied.

The noun bama is a common term in Washington DC. Like all colloquial terms it lacks a set definition, but basically defines someone who is garish, posturing and egomaniacal to a clownish degree while at the same time essentially insincere and likely insecure. A list of bamas or bamafied behavior might be helpful, but in the interest of time, TWO will just point out that about 90% of celebrities are bamas. About 75% of people living in Los Angeles are bamas, as TWO estimates that three quarters of the population of LA are OPALC (Ordinary People Acting Like Celebrities). 100% of white people speaking in a blaccent are bamas. Dylan McKay was a bama.

Which brings us to the Cleveland Cavaliers. The most bamafied sports team of all time.

1) Lebron James.

a) Easily the King Bama. He is essentially a cross between Brian Bosworth and early 90s Shaquille O'Neal with just a sprinkle of Chuck Bass. The pregame ritual where he sprays powder over his head like hes some sort of wizard (or a genius) is arrogant, ridiculous and a slap in the face to the other players on the court. Yet it has been celebrated as some incredible pop-culture event. He poses and postures after nearly every big shot and dunk. After hitting that half-court shot in the playoffs, he said his range was "limitless."

Also from Lebron's mouth? The following quotes:

- "Ask me to play. I'll play. Ask me to shoot. I'll shoot. Ask me to pass. I'll pass. Ask me to steal, block out, sacrifice, lead, dominate. Anything. But it's not what you ask of me. It's what I ask of myself."

- "I’m like a superhero. Call me Basketball Man."

- "Jesus Christ needed 12 disciples, but I only have 5 teammates who really get minutes."

Just kidding about the last one. But still, has an athlete ever guzzled their own kool-aid to this extent?

And the media (fueled by the NBA's marketing department) loves it! You will never hear anything bad about Lebron James in the mainstream media. But ask someone from Cleveland who has had, or knows someone who's had, any interaction with Lebron James and ask them how he's acted. You might be surprised.

b) Fake Injuries. There is a recent trend in the NBA that I've noticed this season, and that is the fake injury. For some reason, in a sport otherwise known for its hip-hop machismo and emphasis on street cred, it has become cool to grimace and hobble around like an old man whenever mild contact takes place. Whether its to show how tough you are or to get attention (or both), it happens constantly. Here are a few notable examples:

- In March, Lebron James bumps into a a 47 year old, 150 pound referee and rolls around on the floor like he is semi-conscious. The referee gets up immediately.

- In the first round of the playoffs, Rajon Rondo is carried from the court and then acts with surprise when a reporter asks if he's ok. Hes totally fine! Why would you even ask that question?

- The best, of course, is Paul Pierce. A few months ago, Paul Pierce was carried off the court in a heap and then rolled into the lockerroom on a wheelchair. A wheelchair! I'm surprised there weren't visible signs of slobber dripping from his mouth. Anyway, he returned, showing no ill-effects, LATER IN THE SAME GAME! Amazing.

Watch for Lebron's fake grimace throughout the rest of the playoffs.

2) The Cavaliers. There have been team-wide celebrations and groups of players with choreographed routines for years. But never has a team had so many idiotic, choregraphed routines going on at once, every single game. While not roundly applauded, it again has received a reasonably warm reception as just a bunch of zany guys having fun. Wrong-Side-Of-Every-Argument-Bill Simmons' shared his sentiment that watching Lebron & the Cavaliers is "like watching a more animated/funny/bombastic version of Duncan's Spurs.....I really get a kick out of them."

Now why is this a problem? TWO certainly isn't losing sleep over what dances other people like to do. But a couple of things are troubling. First, the behavior is disrespectful to the opponents and makes a mockery of the sport. This is an event watched by millions and your opponents are professional athletes...and you are posing for fake pictures and saluting your teammates before the game? Second, the quasi-acceptance of this foolishness sends a message to kids that this sort of behavior is okay. We'll see how hilarious and bombastic it is when before every Little League game players engage in elaborate miming routines involving somersaults, fist pounds and butterfly kisses. "Why is Billy rubbing pinetar all over himself?" "Shhhh pregame ritual."

A drunk who mouths off too much needs only to get punched in the teeth once before he changes his ways. The best thing for all of us is that the Cavs get beaten down by either the Magic or (more likely) the Lakers in the next two rounds. Lets do it for the children.

In conclusion, TWO has nothing against butterfly kisses.