Manhattan Ombudsman: Aspiring Europeans

Many of you may have come across this New York Times article about the Bagatelle and Merkato 55 brunches.

While there are many troubling aspects to this article, TWO will not, at present, solve the economic crisis subplot bubbling beneath the surface of this story. I will instead solve another problem that has been plaguing a certain subsection of New Yorkers, highlighted by the quote below:

"In addition, Mr. Laba said, the typical Bagatelle customer has a cultural affinity with this sort of rosé-soaked afternoon reveling. For the most part, the customers are what he described as “European friendly,” meaning they either are European or aspire to be."

There are two important groups here which TWO feels must be addressed: The Europeans who want to be Europeans and the Americans who want to be Europeans.

1) "Europeans". While TWO is friends with a number of Europeans, they are not "Europeans." Europeans in New York are normal people who come from a different country and are trying to broaden their horizons by building a life for themselves in a new city. They make American friends and appreciate (or in some instances tolerate) the differences they find in American culture. Europeans, by contrast, come to New York to specialize in being European. Its difficult to really stand out being European in Europe, so why not come to New York where you can really shine!

Are you a European living in New York, but want to be a European living in New York? The steps are simple:

a) Show up at Cafe Gitane in skinny jeans at 10:30 AM, drink coffee and glare at people as they walk by.

b) Later, go to brunch at Le Bilboquet, Bagatelle or Merkato 55 and when you meet American girls, always kiss them on both cheeks. Should they hesitate, hold out their hand, or kiss you on just one cheek, act befuddled and explain "Two kiss," even if that's not really your cultural habit.

c) No matter how familiar you've become with American names, do not pronounce any American name correctly. And never use the "j" sound, even if you're British, where the "j" sound is a staple of your phonetic alphabet.

d) Always introduce yourself and your friends to people by your full name in the strongest accent possible: "Bonjour Yulia. Oui, I am called Jean-Pierre Emile, and this is Danilo Lukanelli, and this his friend from Marbella called Sebastian Del Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles de la Porciúncula Torres.....No no no...two kiss."

e) Show up buzzed to Cafe Noir or Felix and speak loudly in your native tongue so other people hear you. Break into English only to criticize the wine selection or talk about vague connections you have to owners of exclusive night spots.

f) Have a late dinner at Cipriani Downtown wearing a light colored blazer.... if you are really European you can get the seats out front and it is imperative that you face the street. Ideally, no one in your party will be sitting on the other side of the table. You will stare at people as they walk by and smoke as much as possible.

g) End the night at Gold Bar. If you aren't that European yet, go to Cielo and loudly tell everyone how a friend of a friend of yours partied with DJ Tiesto in Copenhagen.

2) Aspiring Europeans. Are you a boring American who would feel a bit more interesting if there was just some way you could transfer to another culture? If so, read on. If not - the people reading on would never date you.

Unlike when you transferred from a NESCAC school to NYU, cultural transfers are not as easy. Your one year abroad at a European satellite NYU campus, during which you only made friends with Americans (unless you count hooking up with your foreign language practice partner), didn't quite give you that special Euro edge you're looking for. But follow the below easy steps, and TWO will join you one afternoon in a few months to drink pimms and celebrate your new culture!

a) This is the most important step. Develop a nebulous, indefinable Pan-European accent. If you are nervous and think you could never take yourself seriously faking an accent, use this as motivation: here's a girl from Detroit, before and after. Its not that hard - listen to people speak, and change some long vowel sounds to short vowel sounds, and some short vowel sounds to long vowel sounds - and then be willing to put in the practice time. Here's a young man named Antonio who worked hard on his Pan-European accent and went from this to this. Wow!

As a sidebar, for some imponderable reason, if you're a girl who grew up on the Upper East Side, or even wish that you did, you may have already developed this accent. TWO will be in a cab with a girl who grew up on 69th & 3rd, and she'll be saying something like "I've naught bin recently? but attentet the soft opening..." and I'll say "Are you European? You have a slight trace of an accent" and she'll feign surprise, like no one's ever said that before, and respond "No, I grew up in Manhattan" and then think contentedly to herself "I'm just that m****f***ing worldly."

b) Propound broad theories and critiques on American culture. "Americans' hospitality is not genuine, you know? They say 'Have a nice day!' or 'You look beautiful' or 'You look spectacular in your Alexander Wang sequined tights even though its day time!' but they don't really care. Its just so different abroad."

c) Follow the above Europeans becoming European steps 1)(a) - (g) as closely as you can. While you can't pretend not to know how to make the sound "j" or correctly pronounce the name "Rebecca" you can counterbalance that by ending every conversation with "Ciao" in your Pan-European accent. If you can't get into Gold Bar or Cielo, go to Baraonda on Sunday nights and tell people you did anyway.

Good luck, I hope to see you surrounded by Europeans at Merkato 55 soon!

In conclusion, TWO speaks in a fake accent on all first dates. Ciao bella.