Bama Ombudsman: The Cleveland Cavaliers

Bamafied.

The noun bama is a common term in Washington DC. Like all colloquial terms it lacks a set definition, but basically defines someone who is garish, posturing and egomaniacal to a clownish degree while at the same time essentially insincere and likely insecure. A list of bamas or bamafied behavior might be helpful, but in the interest of time, TWO will just point out that about 90% of celebrities are bamas. About 75% of people living in Los Angeles are bamas, as TWO estimates that three quarters of the population of LA are OPALC (Ordinary People Acting Like Celebrities). 100% of white people speaking in a blaccent are bamas. Dylan McKay was a bama.

Which brings us to the Cleveland Cavaliers. The most bamafied sports team of all time.

1) Lebron James.

a) Easily the King Bama. He is essentially a cross between Brian Bosworth and early 90s Shaquille O'Neal with just a sprinkle of Chuck Bass. The pregame ritual where he sprays powder over his head like hes some sort of wizard (or a genius) is arrogant, ridiculous and a slap in the face to the other players on the court. Yet it has been celebrated as some incredible pop-culture event. He poses and postures after nearly every big shot and dunk. After hitting that half-court shot in the playoffs, he said his range was "limitless."

Also from Lebron's mouth? The following quotes:

- "Ask me to play. I'll play. Ask me to shoot. I'll shoot. Ask me to pass. I'll pass. Ask me to steal, block out, sacrifice, lead, dominate. Anything. But it's not what you ask of me. It's what I ask of myself."

- "I’m like a superhero. Call me Basketball Man."

- "Jesus Christ needed 12 disciples, but I only have 5 teammates who really get minutes."

Just kidding about the last one. But still, has an athlete ever guzzled their own kool-aid to this extent?

And the media (fueled by the NBA's marketing department) loves it! You will never hear anything bad about Lebron James in the mainstream media. But ask someone from Cleveland who has had, or knows someone who's had, any interaction with Lebron James and ask them how he's acted. You might be surprised.

b) Fake Injuries. There is a recent trend in the NBA that I've noticed this season, and that is the fake injury. For some reason, in a sport otherwise known for its hip-hop machismo and emphasis on street cred, it has become cool to grimace and hobble around like an old man whenever mild contact takes place. Whether its to show how tough you are or to get attention (or both), it happens constantly. Here are a few notable examples:

- In March, Lebron James bumps into a a 47 year old, 150 pound referee and rolls around on the floor like he is semi-conscious. The referee gets up immediately.

- In the first round of the playoffs, Rajon Rondo is carried from the court and then acts with surprise when a reporter asks if he's ok. Hes totally fine! Why would you even ask that question?

- The best, of course, is Paul Pierce. A few months ago, Paul Pierce was carried off the court in a heap and then rolled into the lockerroom on a wheelchair. A wheelchair! I'm surprised there weren't visible signs of slobber dripping from his mouth. Anyway, he returned, showing no ill-effects, LATER IN THE SAME GAME! Amazing.

Watch for Lebron's fake grimace throughout the rest of the playoffs.

2) The Cavaliers. There have been team-wide celebrations and groups of players with choreographed routines for years. But never has a team had so many idiotic, choregraphed routines going on at once, every single game. While not roundly applauded, it again has received a reasonably warm reception as just a bunch of zany guys having fun. Wrong-Side-Of-Every-Argument-Bill Simmons' shared his sentiment that watching Lebron & the Cavaliers is "like watching a more animated/funny/bombastic version of Duncan's Spurs.....I really get a kick out of them."

Now why is this a problem? TWO certainly isn't losing sleep over what dances other people like to do. But a couple of things are troubling. First, the behavior is disrespectful to the opponents and makes a mockery of the sport. This is an event watched by millions and your opponents are professional athletes...and you are posing for fake pictures and saluting your teammates before the game? Second, the quasi-acceptance of this foolishness sends a message to kids that this sort of behavior is okay. We'll see how hilarious and bombastic it is when before every Little League game players engage in elaborate miming routines involving somersaults, fist pounds and butterfly kisses. "Why is Billy rubbing pinetar all over himself?" "Shhhh pregame ritual."

A drunk who mouths off too much needs only to get punched in the teeth once before he changes his ways. The best thing for all of us is that the Cavs get beaten down by either the Magic or (more likely) the Lakers in the next two rounds. Lets do it for the children.

In conclusion, TWO has nothing against butterfly kisses.

Common Sense Ombudsman: Vaccines for a Real Epidemic

Sometimes, there is hysteria.

There has been chaos and gnashing of teeth over the past few weeks over swine flu. Its a pandemic!!!!!! Well, maybe not...but its going to be! There have been HUNDREDS killed in Mexico... or maybe just 16.

Putting aside the media's interest in stirring the public into a frenzy (could this be just like Pandemic or Quarantine - or - even better - I Am Legend?!) ...what are the facts?

There have been 61 deaths worldwide, including 3 in the United States. There have been only 40 confirmed swine flu cases in the US, more than half occurring in one New York school. Only 4 other states have had a single person test positive for swine flu. For a country with 300 million people, those figures aren't too bad. And they certainly don't seem to warrant the panicked coverage given by our media. When you consider that the normal influenza killed 83 children in 2008, the hysteria is even more puzzling.

But what if I told you that every year, around 40,000 otherwise healthy Americans are killed from one particular cause? Before I could even finish the sentence, Sanjay Gupta would reflexively gear up his hazmat suit, pack a few Ensures and prepare himself for 18 hour shifts on CNN. Fox News would create a special music intro with drums and electric guitars for reports on the topic.

Can you imagine their disappointment when I tell them that the cause was traffic accidents?

Over the past few years, deaths have ranged from the low 40,000s to a near-record low of 37,000 in 2008. But no one really cares. Why?

First, its old news. Traffic accidents might go slightly up, or might go slightly down - but no one is going to make a horror movie out of traffic accidents (although Duel was a great old school film) and the media knows its not going to be able to frighten the bejesus out of the masses with the reports. If it won't increase ratings, then why report on it?

Second - and this is related to the first - people, rationally or irrationally, internalize certain dangers, treating them as a fixed cost of living. We like driving, we like living in the suburbs, we like getting places fast, trucks deliver things to us - its a shame that people also die, but overall the benefits outweigh the costs. Over time, people just begin accepting the fact that there are going to be a lot of deaths from traffic accidents and stop asking why.

Not TWO.

When one considers that a quarter of a million people marched on Washington to oppose abortion, that 2,000 people protested the execution of a convicted killer in Texas, that New York spends roughly $50 million per year to prevent disease and premature death due to cigarette smoking, that the entire nation - including both houses of Congress and the Supreme Court - fiercely debated the life or death of a single woman, the only inference is that our culture places a high degree of value on life and its protection.

From afar, then, it must look quite odd that we allow nearly anyone to drive 3,000 pound vehicles at high rates of speed in opposite directions, separated by just a few feet and a painted line.

Some simple steps, in addition to wearing a seat belt, to reduce the likelihood of accident deaths:

1) Substantial dividers or spacial separation on highways. Crashes at high speeds are always dangerous, but head on collisions are far more deadly. There is no reason why any road should be built where cars travel over 50 mph in opposite directions with just a double yellow line separating them.

2) Stricter driving tests for teenagers. Driving should not be considered a right of passage. Lack of coordination or lack of maturity are great reasons to keep kids off of the road unless they are with a parent or a driving instructor.

3) Stricter rules for kids under 21. Inexperienced drivers cause a disproportionate amount of damage. As such, laws should be geared to address this segment of the population. At the risk of sounding over the top, I think that governors on engines, restrictions on driving with friends and at night, and limitations on highway driving are all reasonable steps to take. If a driver under 21 goes a period of time without incident, then some of these rules can be eased. Immaturity and distraction can be deadly.

4) Stricter rules for people over 70. As people lose their motor skills/concentration, they become a liability on the road. Requiring a test every 5 years or after any driving related incident would help weed out potentially dangerous drivers.

5) Revoke people's licenses for egregious behavior. For some reason, we are willing to sentence babbling meth-heads and cocaine peddlers to 30 years, but allow drunks to get DUI after DUI with mere slaps on the wrist. Why should this ever happen? Look, minor traffic accidents and speeding tickets are understandable. But people should only be allowed to endanger other peoples' lives a couple of times before they get moved to the passenger's seat.

In conclusion, "We are in the midst of a national epidemic....if this many people were to die from any one disease in a single year, Americans would demand a vaccine."

Midweek Ombudsman: Some Admin

Midweek update, mostly to push WHTNEP and my own facebook popularity:

1) TWO's friend WHTNEP wants you to help Jessica Alba. See this. We're not sure of the reason, but we think that WHTNEP briefly dated Jessica Alba in middle school. The relationship was ruined by an unfortunate incident at a school dance involving golf cleats, Vicks vapo-rub and two packs of Baja California Fruit Starbursts. Don't ask him about it.

2) Become TWO's facebook friend. Search World's Ombudsman and add! I have an esteemed, elite and somewhat sensual group of friends. About half speak English, and an oddly large portion are from Indonesia. Fact.

In conclusion, TWO honors Oddibe McDowell once a year by driving to his birthplace, Hollywood, Florida, and throwing baseball cards into the ocean.

Prediction Ombudsman: Coming Clean

Making bold predictions is risky.

Last week I predicted "Hatton in an upset win over Pacquaio." One time, ESPN's fantasy football guru, Matthew Berry, told the world to bench Adrian Peterson against the Chargers because of the Chargers' stiff rushing defense. Peterson went on to rush for an NFL record 296 yards and 3 touchdowns. Aside from that, my Hatton prediction may have been the worst prediction ever. Rarely has a fight between two great fighters been so utterly lopsided. Pacquaio-Hatton was a 140 lb version of Tyson -Spinks.

A couple of thoughts. First, TWO was actually in Las Vegas for the fight. Was TWO at the glitzy MGM Grand watching in person? Absolutely not. TWO was at Treasure Island's somewhat bushleague theater watching on closed circuit with 1,000 screaming, flag-waving Philipinos. Thats how I roll. TWO is a man of the people. Anyway, the night before the fight, while sauntering through the Bellagio, TWO met and spoke with Bert Sugar, arguably the world's most famous boxing columnist. Interestingly, Bert Sugar held the same opinion as TWO that the betting odds against Hatton (paying about +220, Pacquaio was -300) were off, that the fight would be much closer than most anticipated and that Hatton was a much better bet based on the odds. While that shows that TWO has his finger on the pulse of the boxing intelligentsia, it does little to mitigate the overall result of the fight. In addition to being a man of great physical strength, TWO is also a man of great integrity, and will admit that he was wrong.

Second, never has the result of a sporting event stirred such sympathy in TWO for a losing party than this fight. Perhaps it is because Hatton is such a great champion, or because he is such a likeable figure, or perhaps it is because of the fan loyalty and the party atmosphere that had heretofore followed him through 45 wins and just one loss (to the world's best fighter at the time)... but the way he was beaten was so thorough, so quick and so complete that I felt quite sad for him. Being punished and eventually knocked unconscious for five minutes in front of your fiance, parents, thousands of devoted fans and millions of viewers had to be totally humiliating for someone of Hatton's pride. To be clear, TWO is not saying that Hatton SHOULD feel humiliated (losing to two fighters both considered the pound for pound best in the world at the time is nothing to be ashamed of), but you know that Hatton is beside himself over the result of the fight.

In conclusion, TWO is a risk taker.